Crawling in the Right Direction

I have not talked a lot about all the feelings I have had over the past few weeks with the changes that have come into our lives. I have had a lot of trouble adjusting to our new life's and what has all come about. Things have been so different with Jean Delson's arrival home than with the other kids. When I met Jean Delson in 2007, he was 22 months old and I fell in Love with his smile and loving, caring way about him. Then when we chose to put his adoption on hold I chose to totally remove myself from the Haiti adoptions all together, for me it had to be a clean break. It was so heartbreaking to have to walk away, but it was what was best for everyone at the time.

When we met Micah it was instant love for all of us. He instantly became attached and wanted no one but me or Scott to hold him and care for him. My love for him has only grown stronger with everyday that passes.

The first time I saw Sitota's picture and the video of her crawling from a tube telling us her name and waving it was Love at first sight. Meeting her just made my heart filled with joy and it was like I had found the missing link for our family.

We were just starting to adjust being a family of 4 and we were happy in thinking our family was complete....then we got the news that Jean Delson could come home. All the feelings from our meeting him years ago started to take over...problem was Jean Delson was no longer that 22 month old little lover, he had turned into a 4.5 year old little man who had lived the past four years in an orphanage where he basically ran free. He knew no boundaries, was not used to structure and we had no real way to communicate. There was No instant Love for this child and I began to doubt my ability to parent him. I just did not know how to get through the wall and it was sucking every ounce of my energy and I found myself hating getting up everyday to go through all the struggle. I also found I could not bond with him at all because it felt like I was just taking care of the problem someone else had created. I talked with a lot of people and tried searching for new techniques and answers. I needed to be able to find a way to get through to him for both of our sakes.

This week I have FINALLY made some progress. I found a way of doing time outs to correct bad behaviors that actually works and today we had the first time out free day since he has been home. We had him evaluated for Head Start (preschool) and he should be able to start 4 half days a week soon. I have been able to find several things that he likes to do that actually give me a few minutes of free time during the day. And most importantly...tonight while I was praising him for the great day we had he gave he a hug and I actually started to feel something for the little boy I had fallen in love with years ago. I know that we still have a LONG way to go and there will be steps back along the way, but today was the first day I started to fall back in LOVE and it felt good!!! Melissa